5 Ways to Break Out of a Communication Slump

True confession here -- my daughter is in a communication slump. She normally indicates choices to symbols and words with eye gaze with clear intention. But not right now.

Right now we are getting mush. She won’t make a choice or her answers are so fleeting and subtle that they go unnoticed. But she doesn’t seem to care if we haven’t picked up her response. It’s the not-caring that concerns me most.

We wrack our brains trying to figure out “why?”

            -- Is she not motivated to passively respond anymore?

            --Does she want a way to express her own thoughts?

            --Have recent medication changes dampened her affect so she doesn’t really care?

            --Are physical issues fatiguing to the point she has no energy for communicating?

            --Are we boring her with mundane choices? 

            --Is she exerting her teenage will?

            --Is she slipping into learned helplessness?

In the past, the cure to her communication (or academic) slumps has been to raise our expectations. Require more, not less. Up the ante. I think it’s time for that again.

How to we raise the bar? How do we bring her out of this communication slump?

1) Find ways for her to express her own thoughts. I’d rebel, too, if all I could do was pick between the lousy choices that someone else assumes I might want to say. She doesn’t have a voice output device and is dependent on the symbol choices we offer. That has to be frustrating.

Spelling, while allowing unlimited expression, places heavy demand on her eye motor control. But in a supported form it might be a feasible supplement for communication. If I know the context, she wouldn't need to spell the whole word, which would reduce some effort. The trick is access; we could work on that.

A Pragmatic Organization Dynamic Display (PODD) system might open some options for self-expression, even if it is limited. Linda Burkhart has a good pdf about them too.

And all the while, we need to keep moving forward toward getting a device that allows for independent access. For my daughter, this involves eye gaze technology. That equals Beaucoup Bucks and a funding nightmare challenge.

2) Provide a means to do more than merely respond. This can still be accomplished through low-tech systems. She needs a way to initiate conversation, to share information, to ask questions, to comment. Topic setters, such as questions of her choosing recorded onto a sequenced message communicator, or a photo album filled with prompt pictures, are an easy way to allow a child to initiate conversations and share novel information.

In the past, we borrowed an Ablenet Step-by-Step from school. Her para would record events from the day as a little turn-taking script that she shared at the dinner table. What motivation it was to be in control of the dinner conversation! I need to check with our new SLP to see if this is something we could do again.

3) Move past yes/no. While yes/no responses open a world of quick responses, my daughter’s staff and I have gotten W-A-Y too comfortable with asking yes/no questions. As a result, part of the shut-down we’re seeing may be directly related to this.

Yes/no questions are closed. “Do you like this?” Yes? Conversation closed. Interaction is reduced to a “test.”

An open-ended question allows for further conversation. “What do you think about this?” Not only does it promote taking turns and engaging in conversation, it’s more natural…and more respectful.

There are far too many shades of gray between yes and no. How discouraging it must be to have to commit to a solid “black or white” answer when that isn’t what you mean!

“Is your day going well?” to gain a yes/no response is an example. There’s no option for degree of goodness or badness, nothing to promote continued conversation. An open-ended question of “How is your day going?” is much better. That’s what we’d ask our friends. Of course, in my daughter’s case we’ll have to provide a variety of responses, from ‘rotten’ to ‘fantastic,’ with a couple intermediate shades of gray (‘not so hot,’ ‘Okay,’ ‘pretty good’). Whether she is having a fabulous day or a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day, we are prompted to explore why.

Convenience makes it easy to fall into the yes/no trap. We don’t have to dig up symbols. Think I’ll spend today working on an expanded flip chart to make generic answers easy to retrieve. Hmmm. Symbol retrieval is a genuine management issue. Got any excellent ideas (short of an iPad…believe me, I’d spring for one in a heartbeat if the budget allowed)?

4) Increase responsibility for sharing information. There is something marvelously motivating about being the Keeper of Unknown Information. Some of my daughter’s clearest eye gaze – or, shock of shocks, switch use! – has come when she has something to tell us that we have no clue about.

Messages about what happened at school are great for this. We have a spot on our daughter’s home-school-home checklist called “Be sure to ask A about…” I include the answers so the staff can set up for my daughter to respond, but my hunch is that it defaults to yes/no. That old time and symbol management issue again…

Think I’ll add a similar “Be sure to ask about…” section to the school-to-home side.

5) Find motivating partners. Sure, my daughter needs to communicate with the adults in her life. We need her help to know what she thinks!

But let’s face it, much as I would love to imagine myself as a fascinating person to talk to, I don’t hold a candle to her peers. Her school staff is great, but they aren’t peers either. What she needs are good chats with the other high school girls…about boys, clothes, music, acne…whatever it is girls talk about. I’m not sure I really want to know.

And – here’s the rub when it comes to parenting teenagers – there comes a time when a young lady becomes highly motivated to talk with young men. Shudder. But we need to face reality.

So there you have five ways to work out of a communication slump. What other ways do you know? Please share!

* * * * * * *

You might also like

Yes, no, maybe so…

Let's Talk! Get the Conversations Started 

The Power of Waiting

It was inevitable. The accident we’ve worked so hard to prevent came to life this afternoon. My daughter’s myoclonic jerking knocked her to the floor. I was trying to dress her while she stood, my hands were busy, and I just couldn’t catch her in time as a jolt of myoclonus sent her lurching against a cupboard door and down onto the linoleum. She was crying, obviously shaken. There were no obvious signs of injury—thank goodness!

Now, a mother’s instinct is to want to know right now what is hurting or bothering their child. I am as much driven by that same instinct as the next mother.

However, I have found that when our daughter is upset, trying to get her to express why she is upset pushes her into overload. It seems to work much better to reassure her that we will talk about the problem later, after she has calmed down. This accomplishes several things:

• it lets her relax, knowing that she will have an opportunity to discuss the problem. She wants to be heard. But immediately is not necessarily the best time. What may be best is soon after the child is calm (just never, ever forget to hold that promised discussion if you want your child’s trust).
• it lets her deal with the problem at hand, avoiding the added stress of communicating. Dealing with pain or frustrating emotions is hard work. Communication can also be hard work for our kids, even though it may come easily for you and me. We need to remember that. In an already-overwhelming situation, having to communicate about the issue may just push them over the top.
• it lets me have some time to organize my questions and her possible responses. This (usually!) reduces frustration in the long run. If I’m not tuned in to my daughter’s feelings or don’t have the right choices ready for her, both of which are likely faux pas in the heat of the moment, that adds stress upon stress. Stress does not tend to smooth communication. Better to come back to the issue later.

This policy of coming-back-later to an upsetting problem, be it pain or an emotional upset, seems to work well at our house for supporting communication. My daughter is a teenager; sometimes teens get upset or frustrated for mysterious reasons not obvious to the adults around them. I find this strategy to be especially helpful with unexplainable tears. But it applies just as well to known issues…and to younger children. In fact, it was during early elementary school that we stumbled across this technique of promising to let our daughter tell us what was wrong later, after she was calmer.

Now, of course we offer comfort right away. That’s a parent’s job. We just don’t necessarily ask for our kids to talk about the problem right away.

There may be exceptional non-verbal communicators who can communicate in the middle of an upsetting situation. But many others, like my daughter, find that the stress of an upset makes communication to be the proverbial “straw that breaks the camel’s back.” They are already processing as much as they can handle, just dealing with the situation. Asking this group of communicators to talk about the problem in the heat of the moment is expecting them to do more than what is humanly possible—for them. Let’s respect their humanity…

So, what about today's accident?

I snuggled my daughter immediately after her fall till she calmed down, then let her rest on her stomach so her muscles could relax while the myoclonus resolved, and after she was fully calm we talked about the accident. She told me her mouth and shoulder hurt right after the fall, but they are fine now. Mostly what had her upset was the frightening noise of hitting the cupboard.

I didn’t have the heart to ask if the fall shook her faith in my ability to keep her safe. I’m not sure I’m strong enough to hear the answer…

How about you? Does it work better for your child to communicate after there has been time to calm down?

Let's Talk! Get the Conversations Started

This idea for supporting non-verbal (or even shy children!) in conversations with their peers has floated around AAC circles for such a long time it is not spoken about often anymore. That puts families with young children at a disadvantage, because those families weren’t around when this idea was such a popular one. So I’m merely circulating an idea that’s tried and true…and may be a benefit to your child.

Kids who don’t have the language to initiate conversation still need opportunities to chat with friends! But those friends often have a hard time initiating conversation as well because they don’t know what interests the non-verbal child. The conversation starter is simply a prop to get kids talking.

It starts with a cheap little photo album.

A one-dollar photo album from any craft or discount store

You can find photo albums like this one on the dollar rack at most any craft store. The cover is plastic and it has pockets to hold 36 4 x 6” photos. Don’t worry about getting something fancy; you are more interested in something lightweight that can withstand a bit of drizzle and a lot of kid-handling. You’re going to clip it to the child’s backpack or wheelchair, so don’t invest in something expensive please. Besides, a new one each Christmas gives Santa’s little elves an easy stocking stuffer.

Go through your current photos for a handful of pictures that depict important things in your child’s life. Friends at school may not know about the Secret Home Life of your child. Include pictures from your vacations, shots of your child’s room, pictures of pets or family members, favorite activities or toys…whatever it is that your child might talk about if she could.

Here is a brief list of sample topics we’ve covered in the past:

• Vacations
• Summer plan
• Pets
• Siblings
• Favorite free time activities
• Collections
• Movies (i.e.: “Seen any good movies lately?”)
• Favorite singers        

Now, grab a handful of 4 x 6” index cards. The introductory card will explain how someone can communicate with your child.

"Hi! I'd like to talk with you. We can both answer the questions
in this book. You can ask me yes/no questions and I'll look at the answer."

For each photo, start with a leading question for the friend to answer. Make it sound natural, the way a typical child the same age as yours might ask. Then, on the next spread of pages, insert a picture and a comment your child might make. Be sure to include an interesting follow-up fact that might move the conversation along a bit farther. Instead of just saying, “I have a cat,” try “I have a fat tabby cat named Eddie. Mostly he is lazy, but sometimes he plays “laser moth” with me.” Now the friend might pick up on similarities between Eddie and his cat, or he might notice the red dot on the floor in the picture and comment about how his cat might enjoy such a game.

"Do you have any brothers or sisters?"

"I have a sister named Becky. She is 7 years old and going into 2nd grade.
We like to play games together and camp out."

Answers can be written out in the conversation starter book for the child to read or for an adult to read out loud. They can be programmed onto devices (in fact, this whole concept can be merged onto a device).

To hang the book off my daughter’s backpack, I simply tied a ribbon around the spine and attached a chain.  Any kind of clip would work. The album in this post is an old one we had sitting around, as some Christmas Elf needs to get busy getting one ready for her stocking this year. Shhhhh…

If your child has trouble initiating conversations with friends, this idea might be worth a try. It's nice to swap out pictures and questions periodically. Major school vacations are a great time for this. Let us know how it works for you!